2014′s Most Embarrassing or Unusual Amazon Purchases

Published on Dec 13th, 2014 by

So, I buy a lot of weird shit on Amazon. Some of it’s for work, some of it isn’t. Some of the stuff, I’ve bought for reasons that aren’t the reasons you’ll assume I bought them for. Myself and @kelseyr713 made lists of our top 5 most embarrassing/unusual Amazon purchases in this, the Year of our Lord 2014. I struggled to narrow mine down to 5. I have a shortlist too. It’s all good.

The Winners:

5) Hot Pink Micro G-String
I don’t understand who’d wear this. I don’t know how anyone COULD wear this. The Amazon product picture actually makes it look a lot bigger than it is. Think about that for a moment. Sure, it’s all photoshopped and smooth and sexy here, but in reality the thing’s so tiny it’d disappear up inside the vagina it was meant to be covering. You’d be at the beach and the next thing you’d know, gawking teenage tourists would be taking Vines of your escaped labia on their iPhones and the lifeguard would be asking you to leave. And it wouldn’t even be one of those sexy lifeguards. Nightmarish.
(Note: The hot pink version has apparently sold out or been removed. Sorry for all those wanting it.)

4) Psycho Serum 6.4 Million
Capsicum extract that ranks at 6.4 million on the Scoville Scale. For some context, the current hottest chilli in existence is 2.2 million Scovilles. Apparently this stuff is gonna be the most painful thing I’ve put in my mouth since the time I deep-throated a cactus for a weird German website. I say apparently because of course I haven’t tried it yet. I watched a video of the Clifton Chilli Club eating some and they lost their heads. I’m literally afraid of the jar. I check it every now and then to make sure it’s still sealed. As of now, it is.

3) Edible Zebra Tarantula (tinned)/Giant Waterbugs/Mixed Critters Combo

Bugs you eat. I bought these cos I saw them while browsing on Amazon, and because I’m an asshole, managed to rope myself into promising to eat them live (as in I’m live, not the bugs) in a Skype group chat. So that’s a whole thing. In theory, anyway. I’m feeling okay about the Critters and the tarantula, but the waterbugs… not so sure. Maybe I should combine a waterbug with the aforementioned Psycho Serum and become an internet legend. Maybe Pewdiepie will notice me then. The bugs haven’t arrived yet, so I’ve got that to look forward to. Happy Christmas!

2) The Blast! Collection starring Lassie (PS2)
Once upon a time, a publisher called Mastertronic signed some games by Owl Cave, a development studio co-run by the sexy, talented, witty, humble me. Before that, though, they did boxed games, and had a publishing arm called Blast! which specialized in licensed games, mostly on PS2. There are some absolute gems there; Thunderbirds, Home Alone, Mr. Bean, Little Britain, but the one that personally gets me the most is Lassie (PS2). I own nearly their entire back catalogue, which I was able to buy from Amazon for as little as 1p a game. This is because I am a wonderful development partner who absolutely wouldn’t ever bring up things like the fact they once published Lassie (PS2). I haven’t played any of them yet, but I’m not sure that matters.

waterbugs

1) Gamestick
Look, I don’t know why I have this, okay. I’ve never used it. I actually really like the idea of these Android consoles, but… the Gamestick has even fewer exclusive games than the Ouya. Yeah. I don’t know a single person who’s ever actually used one other than Don the Train Guy from Sepulchre’s voice actor Johnny, and I think he’s confusing it with the Gameboy anyway. So I just have this Gamestick sitting here next to my Ouya and my Nvidia Shield, looking like something you’d find on a Camden market stall loaded up with 50 different Tetris knockoffs (the Gamestick is actually a lot nicer and more comfortable to hold than it looks, though). I want to make an exclusive game for it regardless of all this, because I’m a hipster twat.

The runners-up:

  • Pug face t-shirt – It’s a t-shirt that is also a giant pug’s face.
  • Assassin’s Creed IV Hidden Gauntlet replica - Because I’m a fucking nerd I guess.
  • Gamer Girl book – A very silly-sounding book about the mythical ‘gamer girl’ which is just an unlikely concept right?
  • Cabela’s African Safari/Alaskan Adventure double bill (Xbox 360) – To sate my bloodlust.
  • Jumper: Griffin’s Story (Xbox 360) – Yeah, I dunno either.
  • The 7th Guest Novelization – Actually genuinely treasure this.
  • Ball Gag - I thought this would add variety. It’s actually just annoying.
  • Psychic Detective (PS1) – PS1 FMV adventure game. Pure gold.
  • Audrey Hepburn-style cigarette holder – I managed to bite through the end by accident.
  • Paparazzi (PS2) – One of those awful budget PS2 games from the end of that gen, but this time you’re a glamor photographer.
  • ‘Realistic Dong’ – A dildo isn’t actually embarrassing at all, I just like that it’s called ‘Realistic Dong’.
  • The Garbage Pail Kids Movie – Nobody should own this.
  • BMX XXX (PS2) – What’s better than cycling, or porn? Cycling AND porn. Imagine cycling naked. Christ on a bike.
  • Nymphomaniac Vol I & II – Because Shia LaBeouf is in it.
  • 7 Sins (PS2) – One of those games about sex and debauchery that doesn’t actually show any sex or debauchery.
  • Gabriel Knight: Sins of the Fathers: The Novelization of The Game – Treasure this too.
  • Senran Kagura Burst (3DS) – Who am I, Guy Woodward?
  • 3x Spycam Pens – Look, you never know, okay?
  • Scarlatti SC20-R Concertina – Again, actually cool, I just wanted to show off.
  • French Maid Lolita Costume – See above.
  • Smiley Face Hidden Spycam – It’s like a Watchmen pin that actually watches you! 
  • Otamatone – A hideous fucking thing that I love.
  • A Tamagotchi – Turns out Tamagotchis are actually really shit. Never look back. 
  • Guinness World Records Gamer’s Edition 2015 – If I wanted to pay money for adverts, I’d subscribe to Xbox Live.
  • Sherlock Series 3 blu-ray – Look I really just hated S3 and am still salty about it okay.

pugface

 

UPDATE: Kelsey did her list. She claims these things are embarrassing. Do you think they’re embarrassing? I DON’T. Just as well I get a sexual thrill out of commercial humiliation, huh?

kelseySICK

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