5 Article Ideas For Curmudgeonly Dickheads

Published on Jan 28th, 2014 by


The world is a strange, scary place. So strange, and so scary in fact, that sometimes the temptation is there to put pen to paper, and write a think piece on just how terrible and wrong some innocuous things are. It is hard, being around people and things that are different from you, and it is understandable that sometimes you want to clear your throat into your hankie, and just let rip with an angry rant about those other (and let’s face it, lesser) people who Do Things You Don’t Like. So here are five article ideas for when you’re sloshed on brandy and really want to tear the 21st century a new one.

 1) People Are Enjoying Things I Don’t Understand

This is a fan-favorite, because we can all relate to the existential terror of mortality, and those reminders that some people are younger than us, and they are interested in things we aren’t familiar with. In no particular order, some things people have found strange and unusual in the past: rock music, betamax, hip hop, tamagotchis, video games, women’s rights. Video games is a good one because for a period during the 1980s, they were seen as very geeky and for nerds. Since the entire point is to deny the passage of time, you might as well act as if the perception has not changed. Write an op-ed about why video games will never be taken seriously, or are leading to society’s moral decline, or cannot beat a brisk walk on the Cotswolds. You still have at least a couple more years before this attitude will make you a total pariah, so make the most of it. Be warned, though; some people will accuse you of writing an article simply saying ‘I do not know about this thing and therefore I dislike it’. Be prepared to take to the comments and pretend that isn’t true.


 2) An Open Letter To The Youth Of Today

Aka; you have it easy. We all know that the youth of today haven’t fought in any wars or experienced any hardship. Most of them at least take the bus to school, and when they get there, the lessons are much easier because calculators and dictionaries have been invented. Today’s youth do not know how good they have it, and it is up to you to tell them. Remember when some students protested against the hike in tuition fees? Well back in your day, you took a paper round and a summer job to cover your costs. Why can’t they do the same? All kids today care about is their text messaging and their Doctor Who and their computer games. They will never understand the hardship of waking up at 5am and trekking three miles through the frozen streets just to make sure you’re on time for Bring A Huge Bag Of Rocks To School Day.

3) Social Media Is Pointless

So there’s this thing called Social Media, and you’ve probably heard about it on the BBC or TalkSport. Twitter exists solely to tell people about what you had for lunch, or to follow Stephen Fry (and let’s face it, his Jeeves & Wooster days are over). It is a pointless waste of time, and nothing good ever came from it. Then there is Facebook. Back in your day, people would arrange to meet up with friends via the telephone, or even hand-written letters. Now, with Facebook, people can simply set up an event and invite all their friends. It’s impersonal, it’s depressing, and it has completely removed interpersonal interaction from our daily lives. Also, you’re slightly dismayed to find that someone has set up a fake Facebook profile claiming to be you, and you can’t find the telephone number to ring and complain. You have heard of a slightly more sedate Social Media option, however, called Google+, but it’s better if you don’t mention that.

 4) You Are Using Social Media Wrong

Okay, so perhaps you bit the bullet and got yourself a Twitter profile to keep up to date with that lovely Jamie Oliver off the telly, and realized it wasn’t so bad after all. But there are people using the service who do very annoying, aggravating things. So many things, in fact, that it’s prime material to write a list of things people should never do on Twitter, ever. With examples ranging from the overused, to the alarmingly specific and obscure, it’s sure to resonate with your likeminded readers, and in no way will it single others out or shame them unnecessarily. Back in the day, your mates just whispered about your annoying mannerisms behind your back. Now, with social media and journalism on The Internet, it’s easy to make it public. After all, it’s not your fault that you have a broadsheet newspaper as a platform from which to rant, is it?


 5) The Strange & Scary Lifestyle

Sometimes there is not a tangible point to make about something, and yet you can’t shake the feeling that something weird is going on. Some people live their lives in a different manner to you, or have different opinions on the concept of identity, existence or how one should behave. These ideas were not as prevalent in your day, and thus are clearly wrong. It is easy to write at length about other people without having to speak to them or understand the way they live, because it’s your opinion after all, and isn’t the world all about free speech? Of course, that’s a relatively modern, liberal concept so try not to think about that conflict too hard. If you really want your article to succeed, make sure to write a paragraph or two about ‘tradition’; no further explanation is necessary, everyone knows tradition is a good enough reason to justify something.


So just some food for thought there. Hopefully now you are armed with enough ideas to go forth and be the curmudgeonly dickhead you are desperate to be. Good luck!

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